Connections

The way people are connected has always interested me. I love finding connections between people that I know that know each other, but not necessarily through me. I think that crossing paths with different people is part of what makes life interesting.

I like to think about what life would be like if certain moments had never happened in my life. It makes me feel lucky that those moments have happened. It makes me think that everything happens for a reason. I think there's a certain reason why different people are brought together. Some people teach you what to do, and some teach you what not to do. Some show you what life should be like. Some people inspire to and there's a reason why certain people come into your life.

Everything happens for a reason. I strongly believe that. I believe anyone I've ever connected with or became friends with has taught me something about myself. They've shown me how I want to be treated in life. Sometimes this takes a while to learn, but eventually I learn my lesson.

The order of events is also something interesting to me. And the reasoning is as well. I find it amazing to think about how things have played out, even over the last couples months, to lead me where I am today.

I think people are brought together for a reason, and I'm starting to see that more now than ever before.

Realizations

I am coming to find that I deserve so much more than what I have known. I deserve the world and someone who will give that to me. That what makes me feel like I've moved on. This is the best feeling about all of this. Realizing what I thought was a good relationship that was really just a mess of feelings and half hearted attempts to make me happy.

But I'm starting to really feel happy. I feel good about me. I feel like I can do anything. I'm excited about my future. I'm excited to open a coffee shop. I'm excited about the possibilities that await me. I can do anything. I am independent and I don't need anyone but me. Over the last month, I have found truly great people to be around and call my friends. I lost that over the last two years, but I'm excited to keep calling them my friends and to be with them as much as possible.

I've even thought about the possibility of opening up a restaurant with a completely new concept. I think it would be amazing. It makes me happy knowing I can do anything and I don't have to please anyone but myself. And if someone wants to help me pursue my dreams, they can stand with me. But if they want to bring me down, or I feel that I have to diminish my dreams to make them happy, then I don't want them around.

I feel free and I love this feeling.

The Past Is My Present

Originally, I had started this blog during my freshman year of high school soon after a break up with someone. It was my way to vent, just like now, but everything I had posted on there was from the mind of a fifteen year old. When I started this blog, I looked at those posts. I thought I had good thoughts, but maybe didn't say them in the way I should. My sentences weren't complex and I used such simple wording. But after the events taking course over the last few weeks, I decided to look back again.

I now realize I'm not much different from that fifteen year old blogger trying to get her feelings out. That's exactly what I'm doing now. I came across the post (below this paragraph), and this is what made me think about this. all of these things I wanted to find in someone are still things I want. Although there are deeper things I want to find in someone, this is what I have tried to base all my relationships off of. I love guitar still, I love music, I love being different. I think that everything I have written in this post is true still to this day. And that makes me excited to see where my future leads to:


Sunday, August 5, 2007
Here's you, here's me, We can't keep this up.
Alright, so here is the truth. As much as I want to, I cannot do this. I cannot like you. I do, but I cannot, I should not. You hurt my friends and me. You went after my best friend. I do not think you are ready for a serious relationship. I do not think that we can work right now. When you are ready for a long-term relationship, call me. Until then, we can deal with just being friends. Unless, I am wrong and you think you have matured. If you are ready for more than two weeks together, then lets do this. I am up for a relationship. I could use one right now. See, this is my deal, I want this:
+ will always be there no matter what is going on.+ has good hair.+ is involved in sports.+ plays the guitar. + will be able to make me laugh even if I'm not in the mood. + listens to Relient K as much as I do.+ gets good grades.+ does all the 'typical' boyfriend stuff (i.e.-holding hands, etc)+ can hang out with my friends and me.+ will come over just to say hi.+ doesn't diss my extra-curriculars.+ is conservative+ will go into girlie stores at the mall and wouldn't care -hahh (:+ is looking for a long-term relationship+ likes those movies that deal with the government (i.e.-breach, shooter)+ loves every roller coaster at Cedar Point+ doesn't brag about themselves+ is willing to give all my 'weird bands' a chance+ would go to the art museum to see the Andy Warhol exhibit+ takes me golfing or something else random+ has classes in school with me so we can see each other a lot (:+ likes 24 (i.e. the best TV show ever)+ thinks acoustic music is amazing+ doesn't flirt with other girls especially when I'm around.+ will take me golfing or some other random thing (:+ is nice, sweet, kind.+ does not have a big ego+ is completely, 110% committed to me

Loss

Today was hard to deal with.

I guess I just felt like I didn't have my rock. I needed someone to comfort me through what was happening. I just wanted someone to make me feel better.

No one should ever have to lose someone like that at such a young age. No one should have to deal with that. I keep thinking if that ever happened to me, I wouldn't know what to do. I would be completely lost. Completely.

I feel like the person I want to most about this isn't there. That one person I thought I could turn to about anything. Who has helped me deal with things before. I don't even know what I want to talk about exactly, but today just has made me feel bad with everything going on.

Bad things happen to good people for no good reason at all. Maybe its to make them stronger or to relieve someone of pain, but it doesn't make it easier. But bad things will make someone stronger in the end.

Hanging by a Moment

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like?" from The Notebook.

I feel like this right now. I feel like I can't do anything about how I feel, even though I would love to. I can't make someone picture us together in the future if that's not what they want. But if it is, then why is it being fought so hard?

And I want a relationship I have to work at. Not meaning in how we get along, just how we make each other happy. I want something that challenges me to be a better me and us. I want to be able to talk about everything and anything. I want to appreciate everything we have and feel grateful for each other.

There's so much I had been looking forward to in the future. Knowing that you want to experience those with someone else is heartbreaking. Knowing that our future together has been jeopardized and thrown away is hard to deal with. Knowing that I'm not good enough for you hurts me.

I'm not sure what else is out there or if there even is anything. Time apart may bring us closer together or push us apart for good. Who knows? Its obviously a risk being taken and I'm not sure if that's realized yet.

False Hope

I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to let go. I don't want to make a decision.

I was perfectly happy, comfortable, and everything felt right. And then everything changed.

I'm not saying I understand, because I don't. I want to, but I don't feel this way. My mind was set. I knew what I wanted. But now I'm questioning that thought because of how I've been treated. I don't want to be doubted. I don't want to be someone's second choice. I want to be someone's everything. Someone's forever.

I find myself constantly changing how I feel about everything. One moment, I find myself hoping everything will be okay. And the next, I don't. Because I want to be able to find someone without doubts. I want everything to be okay because I know what I want.

This is what I'm looking for. I want someone I instantly connect with. Someone I can say anything to. Someone who won't judge, but will listen and offer advice. Someone who I'm attracted to. Someone who cares about me. Someone mature and emotional like me. Someone strong willed with a good head on his shoulders. Someone who can be rational when I'm not. Someone who is like me, but still fills in the gaps where the other lacks. And I thought I found him.

And I'm not wrong. I did find him, and I can't help thinking that I haven't lost him quite yet. The emotions we both feel are so strong and passionate. It just seems right. To me, this is how its supposed to feel. Its supposed to be easy. Its supposed to be like we're picking up like nothing ever changed. And it was like that. Like nothing ever changed.

Learning what has been going on in someone's life is nice to hear. Its nice to know how they are. Its also nice to feel wanted. For someone to not want you to go. Its nice to have such strong emotion-filled thoughts and conversations. It shows me there's something there, even though it would be easier for there not to be.

Sometimes people need to grow apart before they can fall back together. Sometimes one person might not be ready for the next step. Maybe I'm one step ahead, while he's three steps behind. Will we ever catch up to the same point?

Right now, I don't know the answer to any of my questions. But I'm looking forward to learning soon enough.

Beginnings

I have become inspired again. I forgot how much I love to write. I haven't done this in such a long time, but I feel that now is the perfect time to begin again. If you look at any of my older blogs, you will see that I was passionate about writing and it was usually always about love. I am no different now. Since then, I have fallen into and out of love, and am still trying to find that one place I fit.

I'm at that age where I'm trying to discover me, who I'm supposed to be with, and what I'm supposed to do. I have one of those almost figured out. Someday, I will own a coffee shop. I was always scared to tell people that. Everyone has always thought I was smart. Well I am, but I'm also creative and I need an outlet. I cannot be a doctor or lawyer. That would bore me, and I want to be happy. I want to own my own business and be my own boss. I want to do things independently and exactly how I like them. I love coffee, and I've heard that if you find something you love to do, find a way to make a career out of it, and you'll never work a day in your life. I'm doing just that.

As far as my other two uncertainties go, I haven't figured those out. I'm still working on me and who I am. And I'm working on that one person. It turns out that your forever isn't always who you thought it would be. Or maybe it is. I'm still so young, and I don't know exactly what my future holds. I try not to look too far into the future in order to protect myself even though I would love to be overly optimistic. But I can't be. I'm taking one day at a time and trying to deal with day to day living. And its working. I'm starting to understand why certain things fall apart when they do. Everything I've done during college so far has been a learning experience. Even though most of it has been learning the hard way, sometimes that's better than learning the easy way. Not that I want to get hurt, but its helping me grow as an adult.

Which is weird to say. I'm an adult now. Since I turned 20, I honestly do feel more mature than I have at any other birthday. I'm officially out of my teens. However, I'm still considered a "punk kid" and I'm not taken seriously yet. But I still have to deal with adult issues like bills and the like. But its all apart of growing up.