I love thinking of all the things that have led me to this point. I love thinking about how I've felt in the past compared to my present. I love all of the smallest details that could have made things turn out so much differently.
Over the last six months or so, I can't say I was ever truly happy. Not like I am right now anyways. I was content with everything, but all I could think of is "what else is out there." I knew that the relationship I was in wouldn't last long. Not to say it didn't teach me anything. It made me do more for me. It made me more artsy and I remember everything I loved before. I started drawing and reading more. I think I'm more "me" now than I ever was before.
However, right now, I am the happiest I've ever been with someone. And we're not even together (physically). We have 600 miles that separate us, but I've never felt closer to someone. Its the kind of connection that doesn't always happen. Its one that when it does happen, you want to keep it. And you don't want it to change. It makes you feel like today is the happiest day of your life until the next day.
It makes me happy that something as simple as a "Skype date" can make the both of us so happy. Just talking for hours on end about anything and everything. Just the simple fact that we would rather spend our Friday nights talking to each other than going out somewhere. Its such a simple, but important, thing to me.
The 600 miles between us have made me appreciate the simplest things. Being ten minutes away from someone is something everyone takes for granted, but I really appreciate that now. I can't wait till I have that in the fall. Or just something as simple as holding someone's hand. That's all I want. But fortunately that will happen soon.
The most amazing thing so far is the fact that he's willing to travel those 600 miles via a 14 hour train ride just to see me for a couple of days. All that distance just so we won't have to wait the entire rest of the summer to see each other. Currently, the count is at 21 days for me (20 for him) and it doesn't even seem that long. Its going to be so worth everything.
The thing is that I don't care about what we do. I want to have experiences and memories, but I don't care how those happen. My main thing is just to be with each other. That is all I care about. And that is the difference in this relationship. Its not about the actual experiences, its about who they're with. In the past, I tried to have experiences because I had certain things I wanted to do. But it wasn't necessarily about who they were with (even though it seemed like it at the time). Something always seemed off in them. It wasn't the kind of memory I wanted to make. It was fun and everything, just not quite as memorable as I had hoped. But this is different. Everything about this is different and I'm so excited about my future now. Especially if every day becomes happier than the last.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Truly, Madly, Deeply
Originally wrote in February 2012, but never published:
Love makes you vulnerable; to hurt, to lies, to loss. Love can break you in two and make you feel like the dirt on the ground when its tossed around. Giving someone your heart is the easiest thing to do, but getting it back is the hardest. Love makes you strong and weak at the same time. Trusting someone to love you is even harder, especially if you've already been hurt.
I know what it is to be in love. I know how it is to give someone your all, just to have it shoved back in your face. But I also know how rewarding love can be. Love can make you feel safe and secure. Love makes you feel like you've found your forever and you never want to let it go.
But sometimes letting go is what has to happen. Some things happen for a reason, and for some, the reason is never known. I know my reason. I hate it, but I know it. I know that this is best for the future and I know how unhappy this will make me, us. I believe every word I've heard and said so far. I know its hard. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this. I know because of the emotion I see and the hurt.
Love makes you vulnerable; to hurt, to lies, to loss. Love can break you in two and make you feel like the dirt on the ground when its tossed around. Giving someone your heart is the easiest thing to do, but getting it back is the hardest. Love makes you strong and weak at the same time. Trusting someone to love you is even harder, especially if you've already been hurt.
I know what it is to be in love. I know how it is to give someone your all, just to have it shoved back in your face. But I also know how rewarding love can be. Love can make you feel safe and secure. Love makes you feel like you've found your forever and you never want to let it go.
But sometimes letting go is what has to happen. Some things happen for a reason, and for some, the reason is never known. I know my reason. I hate it, but I know it. I know that this is best for the future and I know how unhappy this will make me, us. I believe every word I've heard and said so far. I know its hard. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this. I know because of the emotion I see and the hurt.
Strong Willed
Originally written January 2012, never posted:
I've never felt so passionate as I do for this. I believe in something called love and I believe its able to heal many. Even now, when it seems that love doesn't exist, I am still able to feel it. I know my friends and family love me. I know they care. They're there for me when I'm feeling at my lowest.
Even in relationships, I still believe in love. I don't know who its supposed to be with, but it will happen eventually. I will find my forever (or he will find me!). I think its important to keep all possibilities open because you never know what else is out there.
I thought I found my forever already. But its not quite forever yet. Not that it will be eventually, but it could be. I want to find out. But I'm also curious to see what else is there. I don't know how I would feel with anyone else when I haven't been with anyone else in so long.
This is a learning experience. This is part of growing up. This is part of hurting and finding out who I'm truly supposed to be with. This is someone I thought was figured out, but I'm on a whole other level now. I hope that I'm able to make sense of everything that's happening right now. I hope that sometime in the near future, I am able to find out exactly why everything happens for a reason. I know things fall apart so other things can fall together; but who says that has to be with different people? Or maybe it has to. I don't know now, but I will find out soon.
I've never felt so passionate as I do for this. I believe in something called love and I believe its able to heal many. Even now, when it seems that love doesn't exist, I am still able to feel it. I know my friends and family love me. I know they care. They're there for me when I'm feeling at my lowest.
Even in relationships, I still believe in love. I don't know who its supposed to be with, but it will happen eventually. I will find my forever (or he will find me!). I think its important to keep all possibilities open because you never know what else is out there.
I thought I found my forever already. But its not quite forever yet. Not that it will be eventually, but it could be. I want to find out. But I'm also curious to see what else is there. I don't know how I would feel with anyone else when I haven't been with anyone else in so long.
This is a learning experience. This is part of growing up. This is part of hurting and finding out who I'm truly supposed to be with. This is someone I thought was figured out, but I'm on a whole other level now. I hope that I'm able to make sense of everything that's happening right now. I hope that sometime in the near future, I am able to find out exactly why everything happens for a reason. I know things fall apart so other things can fall together; but who says that has to be with different people? Or maybe it has to. I don't know now, but I will find out soon.
#Perfection
For the very first time in my life, everything truly feels perfect. Like straight out of a movie. I've been happy before in my life, but not like this. Not like everything is falling into place like its meant to be exactly like this. Everything feels perfect.
Despite the 600 miles between us, everything still feels like its perfect. And 600 miles should feel like a big deal. But the funny thing is that it doesn't. Not when you have someone coming to visit you in 20 days just because they want to see you. Or that they go to your same school and will be here for months starting in August.
It seems that somehow everything I've ever wanted in someone has stumbled right in front of me. I truly feel that fate has something to do with this. All of the little things that have led us to this point are kind of crazy if you think about it. Plus, it makes for a really cool story to tell people how we met. Its awesome and I've never been happier with anyone before.
Despite the 600 miles between us, everything still feels like its perfect. And 600 miles should feel like a big deal. But the funny thing is that it doesn't. Not when you have someone coming to visit you in 20 days just because they want to see you. Or that they go to your same school and will be here for months starting in August.
It seems that somehow everything I've ever wanted in someone has stumbled right in front of me. I truly feel that fate has something to do with this. All of the little things that have led us to this point are kind of crazy if you think about it. Plus, it makes for a really cool story to tell people how we met. Its awesome and I've never been happier with anyone before.
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