Who What When

There is a moment of realization after a break up. You start to realize the person you thought would always be there for you isn't. He's not available when you need him. He's not there for you all the time. You can't call. You can't text. So you cry.

And so I sit here unable to talk to the one I want to.

But its okay. Because now I realize what really matters and who really matters. And it makes me upset. I needed a friend tonight. I needed someone to talk to. And the only person I wanted to talk with wasn't there for me. He wasn't there for me when I needed him.

I think if I type this enough it will stick with me.

It shouldn't matter what I wanted to talk about. It shouldn't matter when I needed this person. The only thing that should matter is the fact that I needed someone and he wasn't willing to break away from friends in order to talk to me.

What if it was serious? What if it was something life altering? Would he ever know? No.

June 19, 2013

I imagined tonight going very differently a few weeks ago. 

I wanted to see Alabama Shakes at LC Pavilion in Columbus, Ohio tonight, June 18, for my anniversary with Andrew. Alabama Shakes is a band he showed me last year that I know he loves. And I would have loved to see them. The Detroit show, which is tonight, has been sold out since I thought to look up their tour, automatically pushing it out. I figured Columbus isn't too far away, and we could just go for the night. 

I was wrong. 

Instead, I'm not working tomorrow at either job because I had requested the day off far in advanced. I made sure I wasn't doing anything. I planned on doing something fun. Anything. I didn't care what. I cared about who I spent it with. 

Appropriately, here are the lyrics to "Hold On" by Alabama Shakes:

"Bless my heart, bless my soul.

Didn't think I'd make it to 22 years old.

There must be someone up above sayin',

'Come on, Brittany, you got to come on up.

You got to hold on...

Hey, you got to hold on..."'

So for now, I'm holding on. Not because I'm weak. Not because I expect to get back together. But because I want to be who we were. I found myself a better person with this person. As I was once told before, "You have changed my life. My whole perspective of the world has evolved since I met you. Nothing means as much to me as you do and nothing could ever mean as much to me as you do. You really are the rock that I can stand tall on when I'm feeling low." 

I want to be loved like this. Love like this doesn't disappear. It doesn't fizzle out. Love like this can weather storms and sun. Love like this is meant to last. Sometimes it may not appear that way. But it always does. Love conquers all. 

Then vs. Now

I wish nothing more right now than to be where I was one year ago today. I was about to becoming someone's everything. And in our brief time together, I learned more about love and myself than I could have ever imagined. I thought I had found the one. I was done. I knew I wouldn't have any more searching to do. I knew this was it.

Flash forward to this past Saturday, June 15, when my world was turned upside down. The person I loved with all my heart told me he didn't want this. He couldn't do this. He couldn't be a relationship guy anymore. The person who had only done long term relationships no longer could. Maybe he needs some freedom. But why could that not have been with me?

Maybe its karma.

From what I had done just a few months ago to someone that had broke my heart before. To someone hardly worth mentioning. Would I go back? Never. Would I take back what I had done? Of course. I did not want to be labeled. I did not want half a school team hating me for something that did not concern them. I would take it back.

One year ago. I was currently on Skype. Talking to my potential boyfriend until who knows what hour in the morning. We did this every night. All Summer. I loved every moment. And just a few short weeks later, he would be visiting me making everything else that much more real.

But I can't go back. I can hope he's missing this moment as much as I am. And mostly for nostalgic reasons. I can't do anything right now but hope.

Unfinished. But publishing.

After holding up so strong all day, it finally hit me. I finally broke down and cried. I knew I would. And I was surprised I went all day without. And it feels horrible and awful just like it should. I want nothing more than to go over there and have everything be okay. To talk like we did yesterday. To hold each other for just a second longer. To linger kissing each other like we always have.

But we can't. And I can't change that. And I want to. I want that right now more than anything.

And maybe I won't want that in a week. A month. Half a year. I don't know right now.

Broken

I feel like I just lost my best friend. I feel like someone who knows everything about me-good, bad, wonderful, ugly-has been lost. And all within a short period of time.

I never thought that the man who swept me off my feet so quickly would turn his back on me just as fast. I've never felt lost trying to talk to him or get his attention. I've never had to get his attention. All of the sudden, within a couple weeks, I'm fighting for what's left of this relationship; which is also leading up to our anniversary on June 19. 

I just feel like I cannot do anything to stop what seems to be coming. I've tried and tried to get him to talk. I've tried to get him to express how he feels. I've talked about how I feel and what I think is going on. And he takes it, but doesn't express how he feels. How do you make someone happy when they say they're sad? What am I supposed to do? I'm always there; I'm always available to talk. I've always been there.

I'm lost. I needed to talk tonight. I needed it. I went there. He wasn't. I called. He now has fifteen missed calls. I just kept calling just to see if I could get his attention. But I couldn't. And now I'm lost. The person who always said he would always be there for me wasn't tonight. And I'm realizing that maybe he won't be in the future. He's been all consumed in his new "friends" that I still don't know. And never will. Because he wants to keep that separate. Because that makes sense, right? No. It doesn't. It makes me upset. But who cares what I think right?

I was told today that he appreciates all that I do for him. Taking him to Inverness for work and pleasure. Taking him to the grocery store. Taking him to rent a car. Renting cars for him. Driving everywhere. I've always felt like he's appreciated it, but not lately. Lately, it just seems like something I have to do. And I feel bad that I can't. But I don't mind doing it. I just want him to be happy.

I've always put others needs before my own. And I told myself I wouldn't in this. But I did. And it backfired. I was too nice, always there, always around. I drove there whenever I could. I was always able to talk unless I was working. I didn't hang out with friends so I could hang out with him. 

What I want most right now is to know what's going on. Because I don't understand it. The person I love and care about is suddenly gone. And I don't know why. Everything was perfectly fine nearly two weeks ago. The only thing different are these new "friends" and I started a new job, which doesn't affect anything with us.

I want him back. I know I do. I've seen our whole future. We've talked about it. We want the same things. He supports me in my coffee shop dream. And its hard when you have all this already planned out. I don't want to let go, but he just keeps pushing me away. I was supposed to be perfect for him, his one and only, his green eyed girl, his everything. And now it seems like he's throwing it away for absolutely no reason. I think we have reached the power struggle stage of our relationship. But I've never made it through one of those with anyone. So let's see if he's the one that proves me wrong.

Info on Power Struggle Stage
Here is what I have gathered from this article:
We have left the romantic stage. Anyone who thinks this lasts forever is dumb. It doesn't it can't. You're only human.
Maybe we need to learn how to deal with what annoys us about each other.
We have been fighting more. But its about how you handle these arguments.
Miscommunication is occurring too much. "Communication with clarity is absolutely key during this stage."

Here's the webpage's verdict:
Verdict for long term: It's good if you can learn to handle disagreements amicably and reach compromises that work. If both of you have a clear sense of who you are at this stage, the long-term prospects are excellent. On the other hand, if you're prioritizing individual time over couple time, spending more time with your work colleagues and mates than with your partner and feel more like friends than lovers, then it's probable that without making an extra effort that the relationship won't last.

That give me hope. I hope he still has hope.

#Thankful

This is something I wrote on May 13, 2012:

"Its crazy reflecting on the past and thinking about how things have changed. Life leads you in all kinds of crazy directions, but time after time, it turns out to be the right one. You never realize how something will affect you until after it happens. Something that might seem like the end of the world is often what is best. It just never seems like it. And sometimes, opportunities seem like they are happening at the worst possible time. But they turn out to be something good. Things happen for a reason and its best to let life do as it wants. Eventually, we all end up where we are supposed to be."

I think that its funny that I wrote this before I met Andrew. Everything above applies to him in every way possible. Its crazy that just eight months ago, I was in a failing relationship that I thought was going to last forever. I felt stuck. I was unhappy. I thought that I was in a relationship that was as good as I could get. From there, life lead me into a new relationship through a mutual friend. I stayed in that because I didn't have a reason not to be. He was a nice guy, but our relationship was not spectacular. Just because someone is nice, doesn't mean he's right. At least not for you. However, I did feel like my old, creative self after that relationship. I became more of myself and not who someone wanted me to be. I didn't realize that until now, but I'm glad I've come to that conclusion.

My "end of the world" moment was my break up after a two plus year relationship. Just because you're together a long time, doesn't automatically make it work. I believe that relationships take work. But they can only work if you're both willing to put in the same amount of effort. It took me so long to see that I was the only one trying to keep things going.

The relationship after that one was the one that seemed to come at the worst possible time. I did not want to be in a relationship after just ending one. I wanted to stay single. But I found comfort in being with someone new. We had some similar interests and we got along. I thought it would be a good thing. And it was for a bit before it became routine. Although, I am grateful for that time. It made me realize I was better than my ex. It made me realize I deserve better than what I had known.

I am currently in a position I would like to stay in. That is with Andrew. Things happened in such a way, we can't help but feeling that we were brought together for a reason. He always knows exactly how I'm feeling. I don't even have to tell him most of the time. We just know. Everything that happened in my past to bring me to Carol Parsil's Composition 2 class happened for a reason. And everything that brought Andrew to the University of Toledo and also Carol Parsil's Comp. 2 class happened for the exact same reason. I am where I would like to always stay.

I have fallen in love. It happened fast and without warning. But I know that my life is changing for the better. This is who I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to end up with. This is happening in a completely different way than anything before. This is something that came out of nowhere it seems. I am completely in love with Andrew. We have fallen in love with each other in the deepest sense possible and in the most unique and random way.

The first day of our English class, I sat in the front row trying to be a good student. I sat in the aisle seat next to a girl I did not know. Next to her was an empty seat. And then next to the empty seat was Andrew, sitting by the wall. On the first day, we did an in-class writing. I was completely unprepared. The girl in between Andrew and I asked him if we could use some paper. This was our first interaction. Although it was small and somewhat meaningless, it was still our first time talking with each other.

I am thankful for every moment we've had together. I'm looking forward to our future and everything we bring and will bring to each other's lives. Our life. Our happy, loving, perfect life together.

#Happy

The most surprising part of Andrew's trip was the time leading up to it. I was astonished that the days flew by like nothing. Like how the summer feels when you are small. The days fly by and it looks like summer is out of your reach. The days leading up to his visit flew by faster than any other length of time this summer. I am thankful for that.

Given that, the days he spent here didn't fly by quite as fast as I had expected in the moment. Looking back, it seems like he was barely here. And it makes me miss him.

I miss our quiet moments. I miss riding in the car, blasting music, singing our lungs out. I miss being held in his arms. I miss feeling like nothing could ever hurt me as long as he's around. I miss walking. Through parks, cities, streets, anywhere. I miss how we can walk with our arms around each other perfectly. I think my favorite moments were spent in coffee shops. Which is fitting. I miss deciding on the type of latte to order and what  flavors we were going to share. I miss sitting on the bench on Main Street in downtown Sylvania (Sylvan-i-a) just talking about everything while sipping on lattes from the Chandler Cafe. I miss sitting on the couch at Vintage Coffee discussing the things we want for our own coffee shop.

There are so many moments during his visit that I want to hold on to. I have tried writing them down, but one moment leads to another which leads to another. Then the thoughts become jumbled together. My journal is filled with carrot-notes (^) because I keep jumping from thought to thought.

I could not have imagined a more perfect three days with someone. I would not change a single millisecond. The only thing I would ask for would be more time. Every second we spend together, I feel our relationship strengthening. Each time we talk, we make another connection.

That's another thing. We are the same person. We are almost identical from our favorite foods, to where we want to travel, to what's happened in our pasts. I could not ask for more. I find it completely fascinating and absolutely perfect. I would not want someone the opposite from me. Personally, opposites don't attract. Not to say that's not true for other people. Others like the dynamic between two completely different people, lifestyles, upbringings.

We've had similar college experiences, we like the same types of food, we're both adventurous, we have the same top three pies. We agree on most everything. Which is perfect because we aren't confrontational people to begin with. So it works. I'm happy. He's happy. And we are in love.

That's another thing. He said "I love you" to me within the first couple hours of being with me. Not because I had accidentally said it before, but because it felt right. (Carrot-note: I had accidentally let it slip on a Skype date a couple weeks before he visited. I don't regret saying it; it was how I felt and still feel. But hearing it in person was a totally different experience). We were sitting at Side Cut Metropark in Maumee, Ohio in a bird watching house. And he said it. And it was perfect. And we had a connection that was unbearably obvious. It was just another perfect moment.