Simple Things

I love thinking of all the things that have led me to this point. I love thinking about how I've felt in the past compared to my present. I love all of the smallest details that could have made things turn out so much differently.

Over the last six months or so, I can't say I was ever truly happy. Not like I am right now anyways. I was content with everything, but all I could think of is "what else is out there." I knew that the relationship I was in wouldn't last long. Not to say it didn't teach me anything. It made me do more for me. It made me more artsy and I remember everything I loved before. I started drawing and reading more. I think I'm more "me" now than I ever was before.

However, right now, I am the happiest I've ever been with someone. And we're not even together (physically). We have 600 miles that separate us, but I've never felt closer to someone. Its the kind of connection that doesn't always happen. Its one that when it does happen, you want to keep it. And you don't want it to change. It makes you feel like today is the happiest day of your life until the next day.

It makes me happy that something as simple as a "Skype date" can make the both of us so happy. Just talking for hours on end about anything and everything. Just the simple fact that we would rather spend our Friday nights talking to each other than going out somewhere. Its such a simple, but important, thing to me.

The 600 miles between us have made me appreciate the simplest things. Being ten minutes away from someone is something everyone takes for granted, but I really appreciate that now. I can't wait till I have that in the fall. Or just something as simple as holding someone's hand. That's all I want. But fortunately that will happen soon.

The most amazing thing so far is the fact that he's willing to travel those 600 miles via a 14 hour train ride just to see me for a couple of days. All that distance just so we won't have to wait the entire rest of the summer to see each other. Currently, the count is at 21 days for me (20 for him) and it doesn't even seem that long. Its going to be so worth everything.

The thing is that I don't care about what we do. I want to have experiences and memories, but I don't care how those happen. My main thing is just to be with each other. That is all I care about. And that is the difference in this relationship. Its not about the actual experiences, its about who they're with. In the past, I tried to have experiences because I had certain things I wanted to do. But it wasn't necessarily about who they were with (even though it seemed like it at the time). Something always seemed off in them. It wasn't the kind of memory I wanted to make. It was fun and everything, just not quite as memorable as I had hoped. But this is different. Everything about this is different and I'm so excited about my future now. Especially if every day becomes happier than the last.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Originally wrote in February 2012, but never published:

Love makes you vulnerable; to hurt, to lies, to loss. Love can break you in two and make you feel like the dirt on the ground when its tossed around. Giving someone your heart is the easiest thing to do, but getting it back is the hardest. Love makes you strong and weak at the same time. Trusting someone to love you is even harder, especially if you've already been hurt.

I know what it is to be in love. I know how it is to give someone your all, just to have it shoved back in your face. But I also know how rewarding love can be. Love can make you feel safe and secure. Love makes you feel like you've found your forever and you never want to let it go.

But sometimes letting go is what has to happen. Some things happen for a reason, and for some, the reason is never known. I know my reason. I hate it, but I know it. I know that this is best for the future and I know how unhappy this will make me, us. I believe every word I've heard and said so far. I know its hard. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this. I know because of the emotion I see and the hurt.

Strong Willed

Originally written January 2012, never posted:

I've never felt so passionate as I do for this. I believe in something called love and I believe its able to heal many. Even now, when it seems that love doesn't exist, I am still able to feel it. I know my friends and family love me. I know they care. They're there for me when I'm feeling at my lowest.

Even in relationships, I still believe in love. I don't know who its supposed to be with, but it will happen eventually. I will find my forever (or he will find me!). I think its important to keep all possibilities open because you never know what else is out there.

I thought I found my forever already. But its not quite forever yet. Not that it will be eventually, but it could be. I want to find out. But I'm also curious to see what else is there. I don't know how I would feel with anyone else when I haven't been with anyone else in so long.

This is a learning experience. This is part of growing up. This is part of hurting and finding out who I'm truly supposed to be with. This is someone I thought was figured out, but I'm on a whole other level now. I hope that I'm able to make sense of everything that's happening right now. I hope that sometime in the near future, I am able to find out exactly why everything happens for a reason. I know things fall apart so other things can fall together; but who says that has to be with different people? Or maybe it has to. I don't know now, but I will find out soon.

#Perfection

For the very first time in my life, everything truly feels perfect. Like straight out of a movie. I've been happy before in my life, but not like this. Not like everything is falling into place like its meant to be exactly like this. Everything feels perfect.

Despite the 600 miles between us, everything still feels like its perfect. And 600 miles should feel like a big deal. But the funny thing is that it doesn't. Not when you have someone coming to visit you in 20 days just because they want to see you. Or that they go to your same school and will be here for months starting in August.

It seems that somehow everything I've ever wanted in someone has stumbled right in front of me. I truly feel that fate has something to do with this. All of the little things that have led us to this point are kind of crazy if you think about it. Plus, it makes for a really cool story to tell people how we met. Its awesome and I've never been happier with anyone before.

Connections

The way people are connected has always interested me. I love finding connections between people that I know that know each other, but not necessarily through me. I think that crossing paths with different people is part of what makes life interesting.

I like to think about what life would be like if certain moments had never happened in my life. It makes me feel lucky that those moments have happened. It makes me think that everything happens for a reason. I think there's a certain reason why different people are brought together. Some people teach you what to do, and some teach you what not to do. Some show you what life should be like. Some people inspire to and there's a reason why certain people come into your life.

Everything happens for a reason. I strongly believe that. I believe anyone I've ever connected with or became friends with has taught me something about myself. They've shown me how I want to be treated in life. Sometimes this takes a while to learn, but eventually I learn my lesson.

The order of events is also something interesting to me. And the reasoning is as well. I find it amazing to think about how things have played out, even over the last couples months, to lead me where I am today.

I think people are brought together for a reason, and I'm starting to see that more now than ever before.

Realizations

I am coming to find that I deserve so much more than what I have known. I deserve the world and someone who will give that to me. That what makes me feel like I've moved on. This is the best feeling about all of this. Realizing what I thought was a good relationship that was really just a mess of feelings and half hearted attempts to make me happy.

But I'm starting to really feel happy. I feel good about me. I feel like I can do anything. I'm excited about my future. I'm excited to open a coffee shop. I'm excited about the possibilities that await me. I can do anything. I am independent and I don't need anyone but me. Over the last month, I have found truly great people to be around and call my friends. I lost that over the last two years, but I'm excited to keep calling them my friends and to be with them as much as possible.

I've even thought about the possibility of opening up a restaurant with a completely new concept. I think it would be amazing. It makes me happy knowing I can do anything and I don't have to please anyone but myself. And if someone wants to help me pursue my dreams, they can stand with me. But if they want to bring me down, or I feel that I have to diminish my dreams to make them happy, then I don't want them around.

I feel free and I love this feeling.

The Past Is My Present

Originally, I had started this blog during my freshman year of high school soon after a break up with someone. It was my way to vent, just like now, but everything I had posted on there was from the mind of a fifteen year old. When I started this blog, I looked at those posts. I thought I had good thoughts, but maybe didn't say them in the way I should. My sentences weren't complex and I used such simple wording. But after the events taking course over the last few weeks, I decided to look back again.

I now realize I'm not much different from that fifteen year old blogger trying to get her feelings out. That's exactly what I'm doing now. I came across the post (below this paragraph), and this is what made me think about this. all of these things I wanted to find in someone are still things I want. Although there are deeper things I want to find in someone, this is what I have tried to base all my relationships off of. I love guitar still, I love music, I love being different. I think that everything I have written in this post is true still to this day. And that makes me excited to see where my future leads to:


Sunday, August 5, 2007
Here's you, here's me, We can't keep this up.
Alright, so here is the truth. As much as I want to, I cannot do this. I cannot like you. I do, but I cannot, I should not. You hurt my friends and me. You went after my best friend. I do not think you are ready for a serious relationship. I do not think that we can work right now. When you are ready for a long-term relationship, call me. Until then, we can deal with just being friends. Unless, I am wrong and you think you have matured. If you are ready for more than two weeks together, then lets do this. I am up for a relationship. I could use one right now. See, this is my deal, I want this:
+ will always be there no matter what is going on.+ has good hair.+ is involved in sports.+ plays the guitar. + will be able to make me laugh even if I'm not in the mood. + listens to Relient K as much as I do.+ gets good grades.+ does all the 'typical' boyfriend stuff (i.e.-holding hands, etc)+ can hang out with my friends and me.+ will come over just to say hi.+ doesn't diss my extra-curriculars.+ is conservative+ will go into girlie stores at the mall and wouldn't care -hahh (:+ is looking for a long-term relationship+ likes those movies that deal with the government (i.e.-breach, shooter)+ loves every roller coaster at Cedar Point+ doesn't brag about themselves+ is willing to give all my 'weird bands' a chance+ would go to the art museum to see the Andy Warhol exhibit+ takes me golfing or something else random+ has classes in school with me so we can see each other a lot (:+ likes 24 (i.e. the best TV show ever)+ thinks acoustic music is amazing+ doesn't flirt with other girls especially when I'm around.+ will take me golfing or some other random thing (:+ is nice, sweet, kind.+ does not have a big ego+ is completely, 110% committed to me