#Thankful

This is something I wrote on May 13, 2012:

"Its crazy reflecting on the past and thinking about how things have changed. Life leads you in all kinds of crazy directions, but time after time, it turns out to be the right one. You never realize how something will affect you until after it happens. Something that might seem like the end of the world is often what is best. It just never seems like it. And sometimes, opportunities seem like they are happening at the worst possible time. But they turn out to be something good. Things happen for a reason and its best to let life do as it wants. Eventually, we all end up where we are supposed to be."

I think that its funny that I wrote this before I met Andrew. Everything above applies to him in every way possible. Its crazy that just eight months ago, I was in a failing relationship that I thought was going to last forever. I felt stuck. I was unhappy. I thought that I was in a relationship that was as good as I could get. From there, life lead me into a new relationship through a mutual friend. I stayed in that because I didn't have a reason not to be. He was a nice guy, but our relationship was not spectacular. Just because someone is nice, doesn't mean he's right. At least not for you. However, I did feel like my old, creative self after that relationship. I became more of myself and not who someone wanted me to be. I didn't realize that until now, but I'm glad I've come to that conclusion.

My "end of the world" moment was my break up after a two plus year relationship. Just because you're together a long time, doesn't automatically make it work. I believe that relationships take work. But they can only work if you're both willing to put in the same amount of effort. It took me so long to see that I was the only one trying to keep things going.

The relationship after that one was the one that seemed to come at the worst possible time. I did not want to be in a relationship after just ending one. I wanted to stay single. But I found comfort in being with someone new. We had some similar interests and we got along. I thought it would be a good thing. And it was for a bit before it became routine. Although, I am grateful for that time. It made me realize I was better than my ex. It made me realize I deserve better than what I had known.

I am currently in a position I would like to stay in. That is with Andrew. Things happened in such a way, we can't help but feeling that we were brought together for a reason. He always knows exactly how I'm feeling. I don't even have to tell him most of the time. We just know. Everything that happened in my past to bring me to Carol Parsil's Composition 2 class happened for a reason. And everything that brought Andrew to the University of Toledo and also Carol Parsil's Comp. 2 class happened for the exact same reason. I am where I would like to always stay.

I have fallen in love. It happened fast and without warning. But I know that my life is changing for the better. This is who I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to end up with. This is happening in a completely different way than anything before. This is something that came out of nowhere it seems. I am completely in love with Andrew. We have fallen in love with each other in the deepest sense possible and in the most unique and random way.

The first day of our English class, I sat in the front row trying to be a good student. I sat in the aisle seat next to a girl I did not know. Next to her was an empty seat. And then next to the empty seat was Andrew, sitting by the wall. On the first day, we did an in-class writing. I was completely unprepared. The girl in between Andrew and I asked him if we could use some paper. This was our first interaction. Although it was small and somewhat meaningless, it was still our first time talking with each other.

I am thankful for every moment we've had together. I'm looking forward to our future and everything we bring and will bring to each other's lives. Our life. Our happy, loving, perfect life together.

#Happy

The most surprising part of Andrew's trip was the time leading up to it. I was astonished that the days flew by like nothing. Like how the summer feels when you are small. The days fly by and it looks like summer is out of your reach. The days leading up to his visit flew by faster than any other length of time this summer. I am thankful for that.

Given that, the days he spent here didn't fly by quite as fast as I had expected in the moment. Looking back, it seems like he was barely here. And it makes me miss him.

I miss our quiet moments. I miss riding in the car, blasting music, singing our lungs out. I miss being held in his arms. I miss feeling like nothing could ever hurt me as long as he's around. I miss walking. Through parks, cities, streets, anywhere. I miss how we can walk with our arms around each other perfectly. I think my favorite moments were spent in coffee shops. Which is fitting. I miss deciding on the type of latte to order and what  flavors we were going to share. I miss sitting on the bench on Main Street in downtown Sylvania (Sylvan-i-a) just talking about everything while sipping on lattes from the Chandler Cafe. I miss sitting on the couch at Vintage Coffee discussing the things we want for our own coffee shop.

There are so many moments during his visit that I want to hold on to. I have tried writing them down, but one moment leads to another which leads to another. Then the thoughts become jumbled together. My journal is filled with carrot-notes (^) because I keep jumping from thought to thought.

I could not have imagined a more perfect three days with someone. I would not change a single millisecond. The only thing I would ask for would be more time. Every second we spend together, I feel our relationship strengthening. Each time we talk, we make another connection.

That's another thing. We are the same person. We are almost identical from our favorite foods, to where we want to travel, to what's happened in our pasts. I could not ask for more. I find it completely fascinating and absolutely perfect. I would not want someone the opposite from me. Personally, opposites don't attract. Not to say that's not true for other people. Others like the dynamic between two completely different people, lifestyles, upbringings.

We've had similar college experiences, we like the same types of food, we're both adventurous, we have the same top three pies. We agree on most everything. Which is perfect because we aren't confrontational people to begin with. So it works. I'm happy. He's happy. And we are in love.

That's another thing. He said "I love you" to me within the first couple hours of being with me. Not because I had accidentally said it before, but because it felt right. (Carrot-note: I had accidentally let it slip on a Skype date a couple weeks before he visited. I don't regret saying it; it was how I felt and still feel. But hearing it in person was a totally different experience). We were sitting at Side Cut Metropark in Maumee, Ohio in a bird watching house. And he said it. And it was perfect. And we had a connection that was unbearably obvious. It was just another perfect moment.

Simple Things

I love thinking of all the things that have led me to this point. I love thinking about how I've felt in the past compared to my present. I love all of the smallest details that could have made things turn out so much differently.

Over the last six months or so, I can't say I was ever truly happy. Not like I am right now anyways. I was content with everything, but all I could think of is "what else is out there." I knew that the relationship I was in wouldn't last long. Not to say it didn't teach me anything. It made me do more for me. It made me more artsy and I remember everything I loved before. I started drawing and reading more. I think I'm more "me" now than I ever was before.

However, right now, I am the happiest I've ever been with someone. And we're not even together (physically). We have 600 miles that separate us, but I've never felt closer to someone. Its the kind of connection that doesn't always happen. Its one that when it does happen, you want to keep it. And you don't want it to change. It makes you feel like today is the happiest day of your life until the next day.

It makes me happy that something as simple as a "Skype date" can make the both of us so happy. Just talking for hours on end about anything and everything. Just the simple fact that we would rather spend our Friday nights talking to each other than going out somewhere. Its such a simple, but important, thing to me.

The 600 miles between us have made me appreciate the simplest things. Being ten minutes away from someone is something everyone takes for granted, but I really appreciate that now. I can't wait till I have that in the fall. Or just something as simple as holding someone's hand. That's all I want. But fortunately that will happen soon.

The most amazing thing so far is the fact that he's willing to travel those 600 miles via a 14 hour train ride just to see me for a couple of days. All that distance just so we won't have to wait the entire rest of the summer to see each other. Currently, the count is at 21 days for me (20 for him) and it doesn't even seem that long. Its going to be so worth everything.

The thing is that I don't care about what we do. I want to have experiences and memories, but I don't care how those happen. My main thing is just to be with each other. That is all I care about. And that is the difference in this relationship. Its not about the actual experiences, its about who they're with. In the past, I tried to have experiences because I had certain things I wanted to do. But it wasn't necessarily about who they were with (even though it seemed like it at the time). Something always seemed off in them. It wasn't the kind of memory I wanted to make. It was fun and everything, just not quite as memorable as I had hoped. But this is different. Everything about this is different and I'm so excited about my future now. Especially if every day becomes happier than the last.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Originally wrote in February 2012, but never published:

Love makes you vulnerable; to hurt, to lies, to loss. Love can break you in two and make you feel like the dirt on the ground when its tossed around. Giving someone your heart is the easiest thing to do, but getting it back is the hardest. Love makes you strong and weak at the same time. Trusting someone to love you is even harder, especially if you've already been hurt.

I know what it is to be in love. I know how it is to give someone your all, just to have it shoved back in your face. But I also know how rewarding love can be. Love can make you feel safe and secure. Love makes you feel like you've found your forever and you never want to let it go.

But sometimes letting go is what has to happen. Some things happen for a reason, and for some, the reason is never known. I know my reason. I hate it, but I know it. I know that this is best for the future and I know how unhappy this will make me, us. I believe every word I've heard and said so far. I know its hard. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this. I know because of the emotion I see and the hurt.

Strong Willed

Originally written January 2012, never posted:

I've never felt so passionate as I do for this. I believe in something called love and I believe its able to heal many. Even now, when it seems that love doesn't exist, I am still able to feel it. I know my friends and family love me. I know they care. They're there for me when I'm feeling at my lowest.

Even in relationships, I still believe in love. I don't know who its supposed to be with, but it will happen eventually. I will find my forever (or he will find me!). I think its important to keep all possibilities open because you never know what else is out there.

I thought I found my forever already. But its not quite forever yet. Not that it will be eventually, but it could be. I want to find out. But I'm also curious to see what else is there. I don't know how I would feel with anyone else when I haven't been with anyone else in so long.

This is a learning experience. This is part of growing up. This is part of hurting and finding out who I'm truly supposed to be with. This is someone I thought was figured out, but I'm on a whole other level now. I hope that I'm able to make sense of everything that's happening right now. I hope that sometime in the near future, I am able to find out exactly why everything happens for a reason. I know things fall apart so other things can fall together; but who says that has to be with different people? Or maybe it has to. I don't know now, but I will find out soon.

#Perfection

For the very first time in my life, everything truly feels perfect. Like straight out of a movie. I've been happy before in my life, but not like this. Not like everything is falling into place like its meant to be exactly like this. Everything feels perfect.

Despite the 600 miles between us, everything still feels like its perfect. And 600 miles should feel like a big deal. But the funny thing is that it doesn't. Not when you have someone coming to visit you in 20 days just because they want to see you. Or that they go to your same school and will be here for months starting in August.

It seems that somehow everything I've ever wanted in someone has stumbled right in front of me. I truly feel that fate has something to do with this. All of the little things that have led us to this point are kind of crazy if you think about it. Plus, it makes for a really cool story to tell people how we met. Its awesome and I've never been happier with anyone before.

Connections

The way people are connected has always interested me. I love finding connections between people that I know that know each other, but not necessarily through me. I think that crossing paths with different people is part of what makes life interesting.

I like to think about what life would be like if certain moments had never happened in my life. It makes me feel lucky that those moments have happened. It makes me think that everything happens for a reason. I think there's a certain reason why different people are brought together. Some people teach you what to do, and some teach you what not to do. Some show you what life should be like. Some people inspire to and there's a reason why certain people come into your life.

Everything happens for a reason. I strongly believe that. I believe anyone I've ever connected with or became friends with has taught me something about myself. They've shown me how I want to be treated in life. Sometimes this takes a while to learn, but eventually I learn my lesson.

The order of events is also something interesting to me. And the reasoning is as well. I find it amazing to think about how things have played out, even over the last couples months, to lead me where I am today.

I think people are brought together for a reason, and I'm starting to see that more now than ever before.